morally_cryptic: (dark)
He'd had it, once, as a child. As an adolescent. As a young man. It was shaken, sometimes, but always there, deeply grounded. How could he not? He'd held tightly to it as a boy and all wrapped up inside of hero worship. He'd had it even before he'd seen a Jedi and it had been only stronger afterward.

Becoming a Jedi, it was still there, all the stronger because now he knew. Or thought he did. But something began to happen, as he got older. Doubts appeared, cracks in the foundation, eroding the base.

He started to question the things he'd always been taught, had always known when his experience began to suggest otherwise. How could one thing be said and yet another thing be what was actually done? How could they be the same heroes he had worshipped as a child.

How? Why? When had it changed?

Had it changed?

What if it had always been that way and only now he was seeing clearly?

Disillusionment.

And somewhere between the death of a Jedi Master and the rise of a new Sith Lord...Anakin Skywalker's faith in the Jedi Order fled completely and was lost in the darkness.

====
Muse: Anakin Skywalker
Fandom: Star Wars
Wordcount: 193
morally_cryptic: (Default)
Ani awoke feeling more rested than she had in months. She stretched lazily and ran her hands through her short-cropped hair. They'd been recalled to Coruscant for a time which explained the restfulness of her sleep. She'd finally been able to sleep in a bed which was no small feat.

It did, of course, help that she had shared the bed with her love and for that she gave her still-sleeping partner a fond smile. She'd have to hurry, though, or they'd miss her back at the Temple and that-...

...probably wouldn't go well. As she knew. Still, she had time to take advantage of the apartment's top-notch bathing facilities and certainly no one would begrudge her a few minutes of luxuriating under the hot water. There was something to be said for being a heroine of the Republic. Though it'd be nice if they just said "hero" like they called Master Obi-Wan, she thought with a bit of a pout. She'd done every bit as much as Obi-Wan in this war. More, if one counted that she'd done it all while keeping her own secret. Once more, she smiled fondly in the direction of the sleeping form stretched out on the, no their bed.

For a few moments, as she dressed, Ani let herself wonder what sort of children they might have. Even if it was clearly impossible. For more than one reason. But then again, medical science was ableo to do all sorts of things...

...but she rather imagined Padme would prefer something more natural. Which wouldn't really happen without a male involved and at that thought Ani had to push down the surge of jealousy that rose within her. No, they were better off just not bringing up the subject of children, really. It couldn't end well. Even if Padme would make a wonderful mother.

"Anakin."

Why was Obi-Wan calling her that?

"Anakin." and shaking her to boot?

"I'm coming, jus' a minute," she grumbled...in a voice a lot lower than she remembered possessing. Wait, she? What?

Finally, Anakin pulled himself fully into wakefulness, eyes snapping open to see a concerned Obi-Wan standing over him. "There you are, padawan. We were getting worried." Which, really, belied the point a little though Obi-Wan wouldn't tell Anakin that just now.

Anakin frowned and tried to sit up in his med-bay bed. Except he couldn't get up and there were all sorts of things stuck in him and things beeping. "What happened?"

Obi-Wan shook his head ruefully, "you got a lung-ful of some new chemical the Separatists have been testing. I'm afraid you've been rather delusional for the past few days."

Groaning, Anakin relaxed back into the bed, "I don't want to know, do I?"

His Master's lips twitched with repressed amusement, "well, you apparently make a very lovely young woman...."

[I was originally going to actually turn Anakin into a woman but...the crack isn't that strong with me today so we'll have to settle for hallucinations. :)]
morally_cryptic: (dark)
Anakin's wish was simple.

But, of course, incredibly self-centered. Though he wouldn't ever see it that way, when all he saw was that what he wanted would make life better for everyone. Naturally, he wouldn't see or would ignore the consequences.

Anakin would wish -- had wished, but it had yet to come true -- that everything would work out the way he thought it should.

That way, he could be a Jedi and a husband.
That way, there would be no more slavery.
That way, there'd be no Separatists.
That way, he'd be on the Council and a Master.
That way, he'd never have to lose someone he loved.
That way, he'd even cheat death.

And, perhaps, when he Palpatine held out his hand to him, Anakin for a moment didn't see it as a harbinger of dark times ahead, of the choice to travel down the dark path. Perhaps all Anakin saw was just his wish, finally coming true.

==
Muse: Anakin Skywalker
Fandom: Star Wars
Wordcount: 153
morally_cryptic: (dark)
Once was a fluke, the product of his guilt, perhaps, for leaving her. Twice...might be chalked up to his anxiety over the first compounded by his guilt.

But three times? Three nights in a row where his sleep was interrupted by terror and pain and he woke up covered in sweat and throat raw? That was something to pay attention to.

Even when others told him the dreams would pass in time, he knew they wouldn't. She was out there, in pain somewhere, she'd die if he didn't find her.

He never should have left her. He should have made them take her too. Why had he just left?

Because he'd been a stupid, trusting child, of course. He hadn't known any better.

But that was a lie. Of course he'd known better. Even then he'd known what life was really like. He'd had no illusions about what could happen to her, especially if Watto sold her to someone else. Being a child wasn't an excuse. Not in the least.

He'd have to go back. No matter what Obi-Wan said.
morally_cryptic: (Default)
They'd been bombarding the droid base for a month already. In the rain. It was hardly what anyone would term fun. Anakin still hadn't been entirely sure why he was even there. Most of the work was being done by the artillery, after all and there hadn't been much call for either starfighters -- though he did wonder if an aerial bombardment would work better but there were no capital ships to spare for this particular operation -- or for much close-in action.

He was bored and eventually he'd have to find something to do before he went crazy but for now he was contenting himself with something sort of like meditating. Okay, more like daydreaming. Or fantasizing. And of course it would be about Padme, his thoughts usually turned to her when he wasn't focusing on the mission at hand. If only she could be there righ-...well, no. If only he could be with her right now.

Somewhere in there, as his thoughts drifted along, Anakin began to imagine what things might be like for them in the future. How he'd like them to be, anyway. He would have gotten that silly rule about attachments done away with and they could be husband and wife in the open instead of only in the dark. He'd be a master by then, for sure, probably having had a padawan or two of his very own and maybe...

...maybe even children. That was a thought that both terrified and filled him with a fierce sort of longing all at once. A son with his mother's looks and his father's talent. A son he could teach the ways of the Force, who would grow up to be a great Jedi in his own right. And the daughter would have to take after her mother as well, he couldn't imagine it any other way. She'd have the sharp wit and a tongue to match, too, he imagined, smiling.

If only things could be like that. He'd make it happen. But first they needed to finish this Force-be-damned mission. Anakin sat up from and stretched, looking out over the battlefield. There had to be a way to make things go more quickly...

===
Note:[ooc: leads into the eating bugs scene in Chapter 22 of Clone Wars
morally_cryptic: (dark)
It's a letter he'd never send. Never even think. It's there, somewhere, buried deep in the back of his mind, but he'd never admit it, even to himself. He hasn't seen the person he'd send it to in years, anyway. Decades. He knows the old man isn't dead...well, he thinks the old man isn't dead. Hiding, probably, waiting for the opportune moment, whatever that is, but not dead. He'd feel it, wouldn't he? Even now as he is?

But this, too, is a thought he doesn't allow himself to have. That person, that life he'd once had was dead to him now. Darth Vader, not Anakin Skywalker. Anakin might have sent the letter, but Vader had no reason to. Vader wasn't sorry, after all. Vader didn't miss anyone. And he certainly wouldn't rant and rail at his former Master for leaving him there. For giving up on him. For not trying harder. For...something. These are all signs of weakness. And Darth Vader is not weak even if the man once called Anakin Skywalker is. Was.

Wordcount: 174
Note: the letters don't exist, so they can't be written. But they are referred to. And yes, they're both to the same person.
morally_cryptic: (dark)
Which is the more exquisite sensation: revenge, relief, or vindication?

They deserved every bit of his revenge. His anger. They deserved the death he brought to them. Even now, years later, he believes that. Even now, when he imagines that night he has to work to feel guilt enough to drown out the memory of how powerful he felt. Righteous. It's not the cold shiver of fear he feels in his spine when he hears the echo of the Tusken screams in his memory but a frisson of energy, the whisper of, you could feel like that always. The guilt he works to feel -- because he's supposed to be guilty, isn't he? -- doesn't ever quite stop him from feeling that, given the same choice, he'd do it all over again. Gladly.

there's a certain sly sort of pleasure in repaying Obi-Wan one of his pranks, one of his cleverly witty little one-liners in one of his own. in watching the consternation on his Master's face when Kenobi realizes he's been had. Anakin's always enjoyed that.


The feeling washes over him in a cold, icy wave. He doesn't know! And he is utterly, irrationally glad he won't have to explain to anyone what all he did on Naboo. For a moment, he thinks Obi-Wan will ask, but his Master remains silent and saves Anakin from having to lie. Anakin wasn't a liar but for this? He would. Even to Obi-Wan. Especially to Obi-Wan.

the story Palpatine tells Anakin is like a breath of air for a suffocating man. it gives him hope he can save his wife, a chance that he hadn't had before. it's something. and he figures the relief he's feeling probably shows even on his face. he can

do something this time.
When he no longer wears his braid, when the ceremony is complete, he feels it inside of him. A fierce feeling of pride, of course, but also vindication. Justification that he did deserve the title of Jedi. And while he's pleased and happy and honored to accept this title, he's also looking at the Master's around him and thinking, you didn't think I could do this. You didn't want me here, but I did it. In spite of you.

there's a moment there, at the end when he's looking up into his son's eyes that he feels it. that fierce little flame of pride that's more than merely pride.

vindicated, it says. and he is. a lifetime of making the wrong choices but choosing her had never been wrong. not when the result was the man who knelt over him. not when he'd finally done what he'd always been meant to do. he smiles...

...and then the Force envelopes him. he's home.
morally_cryptic: (Default)
People called the Jedi way a religion. But, to Anakin, that just went to show that they didn't understand at all. The Force was not a god to be worshipped. He was pretty sure the Force didn't care one way or another if people worshipped it though he imagined that if it could actually speak it would be amused at the idea. When he'd been a child, his mother hadn't taught him to follow any particular religion, placing more emphasis on more the more immediate, mundane realities of life. He remembered the stories he heard around him, though, the spacers who talked about the angels from the moons of Iego, the various denizens of Mos Espa with their varied beliefs. Many of the podracers themselves had various things they would pray to or give offerings to before a race. Not that it ever seemed to do most of them any good. Someone had once remarked sourly to Watto that the Toydarian's only religion was the way of money and the shopkeeper had laughed and said that sounded about right.

Then the Jedi had come and Anakin had learned about a whole new sort of belief, something that had results he could actually see. But it wasn't a religion. Anakin didn't believe in gods. Or, at least, he'd never seen one do anything for those who said they followed it. But the Force, that was something he knew existed, it was something he felt around him constantly. It was the way of the Jedi. But, he figured, if kneeling before some nonexistent god made a person happy who was he to say anything about it?

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Anakin Skywalker

July 2017

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